Disturbed!

I have sort of made a deal with myself that I would sit down on Sundays and write before allowing myself to get on the xbox and play. So far so good… keep praying!

This past October, I sat in an auditorium and listened to a pastor by the name of Craig Groeschel pray for 12,000 “Christians” to be disturbed. I really enjoyed his message called “Confessions of a Pastor” and his prayer was great. As usually happens at the Catalyst Conference, my emotions were raw and my excitement was high. Tears streamed down my face at the thought of this incredible and insightful prayer and I was swept away in the moment as he prayed “God, disturb us”. It was all very surreal but as is often the case with many of the prayers I pray or hear, I never really truly expected anything out of it. It’s not that I lacked faith or didn’t believe but to be honest, most of my prayers are to call God to action. God bless me and enlarge my territory. Father, protect me and keep me. Abba, help me! Lord, bless this super-sized Big Mac meal for the nourishment of my body. ;) Many times, I use prayer to release whatever trouble I’m in to God and then sit back and wait for Him to do something. I also see this many times from those around me. We wish for blessings but ignore our need for obedience. We pray for financial windfalls but never budget our money or consume more than we have. We pray for love in our relationships without honoring those we are called to love.
So, as Pastor Groeschel prayed for God to disturb us, I thought that’s cool, now who’s the next speaker, when do we get a break, I wonder where we’ll eat tonight, I can’t wait to hear Erwin McManus speak!

I stand before you today, metaphorically, having gone through some of the most disturbing moments in my life that I’ve ever experienced. My heart and soul have been broken so many times over the last six months that it’s hard for me to even describe. I have seen things with a fresh pair of eyes and I’ve been disturbed. I’m going to be honest and just say that my spiritual life has been a wreck. Not the five mile an hour parking lot bump up type of wreck but more of a tractor trailer meets train head-on type of wreck. My spiritual life has been broken, torn down, messed up, mixed up and shattered. It’s incredibly difficult to put into words because the first thing everyone assumes is that my relationship with God has waned, but that’s not the case. I’ve continued to feel the presence of God and clearly seen His Hand at work in my life. I feel that my faith has remained in tack and my belief has not wavered. Without my faith, I don’t know that I would have made it through. My thinking has been severely shaken and I’ve been disturbed. It’s as if everything I’ve ever been taught, learned, experienced or thought I understood has been called into question and examination. I truly believe I understand Romans 12:2 and Proverbs 3:5 better now than I ever have… be transformed by the renewing of your mind… lean not on your own understanding.
It may sound to you like the last six months have been difficult for me but that isn’t necessarily the case. While there have been moments when I’ve struggled, the last six months have not only been some of the most disturbing for me but also some of the most beautiful that I’ve ever experienced. I’ve begun to see Truth in life that I never saw before. I feel sort of like the blind man in John 9 must have felt when Jesus spat in some mud, rubbed it on his eyes and then the man could see. We might get a little dirty and nasty but when our eyes are opened, it’s all worth it.
I’m at a full page now and this is where I usually try to stop. I don’t like to go too long and bore you (plus the xbox is calling louder and louder… just kidding! :) which is probably good because today, I feel I could ramble for hours. So, I’ll wrap it all up with this;
If you want to see life in a way that you never have before and you have the courage, then pray for God to disturb you. I will caution you that your heart will break like you’ve never known before. You will weep at the pain, suffering and brokenness that you discover around and in you. Your soul will ache with the knowledge of how your own choices in life affect or do nothing to affect this brokenness. But I can promise you this, when Jesus spits in a little mud and rubs it on your heart to heal it, you will discover how truly precious and beautiful life can be. God will show you how a broken heart can pour out enough love, that you would send your Son, to die on a cross, so that no one else will ever have to suffer that same fate again.

In the darkest night of my soul,
You are there.
When everything crumbles down around me,
You are there.
When the things of this world turn to dust,
You are there.
In the beginning of time, before creation,
You are there.
When we place your Son on the cross,
You are there.
When our eternity changes because in a tomb, your Son awakens,
You are there.
In the darkest night of my soul,
You are there.

Father God… please continue to disturb me!